A Key to Personal Growth: Seek New Experiences, Despite the Pull to Avoid Them

A Key to Personal Growth: Seek New Experiences, Despite the Pull to Avoid Them

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Created on Sunday, 30 October 2011 03:50

Written by Ben Johnson, Ph.D., ABPP

I think a lot about personal growth and how to help us all move in positive directions in our lives. I have been studying psychology and psychological science for almost 25 years. Here is a way to sum up a whole lot of the field: Seek new experiences, despite the pull to avoid them.

Many of us tend to avoid new experiences. There are a number of reasons for this. There is probably a natural biological inclination towards avoiding things that seem dangerous. When life has thrown us some hard knocks or painful experiences, we can come to feel subconsciously or consciously that it is better to stick with what is familiar. Personality also probably comes in to play. Some people by their nature are less open to new experiences, perhaps because they have a more sensitive nervous system. When past experiences have been particularly painful, we can develop rigid coping styles that seem to make the world more controllable. For instance, if being in school as a child was unsafe and led to bullying, a person may develop a firm rule for themselves never to take classes. If we have experienced the sting of rejection in the past, some people end up developing a guarded interpersonal style, making sure to keep others at an emotional distance.

Though when we avoid new experiences we feel safer in the short-term, our patterns of avoidance can become more entrenched over time. We get used to thinking of ourselves as the kind of person who just doesn't go to parties, ask people out on dates, etc. As we stay away from certain kinds of experiences, we don't get used to them, we don't build skills, we don't learn ways of handling uncomfortable or new experiences. If someone typically avoids their office party at work, they might miss key opportunities to deepen relationships with coworkers, leaving them ultimately more uncomfortable and distanced. When we avoid, we also don't get evidence that we can handle the situation and that it is worth dealing with the discomfort in the long-run.

There are all sorts of new experiences that it can be useful to open up to in order to facilitate personal growth. We can open up to new people, new feelings, new situations and activities. In terms of people, many people have been surprised at the power of meeting new people, asking more personal questions of people they already know, or sharing a bit more of themselves with others. Being the independent type, it is easy for me to just handle things on my own. However, I often make a conscious point to share what is stressing me out or what challenges I am facing. If a family member is going through a serious illness, though our instinct may be to keep quiet about this, it may be a new experience to share with a friend or colleague that this is really on your mind.

Opening up to new feelings can also lead to personal growth. There are a number of ways of making contact with new feelings. For some people, just going on a walk, not talking on the cell, and noticing what thoughts and concerns come most to mind can be helpful. Writing in a journal can be a way of contacting new feelings. Watching a more emotional movie than you would usually watch may spark something. Looking through old pictures may do it. Writing a letter to someone, while telling ourselves that we won't send it, may help us to identify feelings we are not yet ready to share.

Being willing to put ourselves in new situations or try out new activities is a very direct way of opening up to new experiences. There are lots of things that are like this. I remember the first time I started going to a gym outside a university setting, I was reluctant and the whole thing felt like a different universe. Gradually, I became more comfortable with the equipment, the people, the classes, the routines. I even entered the tough world of spin classes and got used to how draining yet invigorating they can be. The activities that would be most generative for someone to try depend on the individual. They may include taking a college or continuing education class, going to a conference, hosting a dinner party, starting a book group, taking tennis lessons, or going to Manhattan to see a Broadway show. The trick is to figure out which activities will stretch you the most in the areas where you most need to be stretched.

There are ways of making it easier to open up to new experiences. Start small. Be specific with yourself about what you want to try. Remind yourself that people who are doing an activity are not inherently different - they are just desensitized to the situation. Choose to be willing to have the discomfort that comes with the situation. If someone hasn't dated in a while, there is probably going to be a significant amount of anxiety when they try out Match.com or something similar. It is important to accept this discomfort as okay, a part of the experience, and just what your body does when it feels threatened. Indeed, discomfort is often the price tag of growth.

Sometimes people pressure themselves more by trying to tell themselves that they shouldn't be uncomfortable with a new situation - perhaps because other people seem to do this and don't look tense. Often what is missed, is that there was discomfort and nervousness when the person first faced the situation. Since tension isn't visible to others, we often have little clue how challenging things are for people. It is okay and natural to feel uncomfortable with what we are not used to doing. We need to trust that we will get used to it, that we will desensitize, that we will be able to ask for help, and that we will learn enough skills to survive and grow. To make it easier to open up to new experiences, we need to accept that opening up to new experiences can be difficult, but is usually worth it. Let me add as well, that I often don't "want" to do new things. I often need to make a conscious and rational choice to embrace, say, the invite, and let the wanting eventually catch up. It may or may not. Either way, I am sure to learn something.